Club Robots

Who we are:

Clubs suck. No one actually likes them. People like drugs. People like alcohol. But no one wants music blasting into their earholes in a pulsing manner that could kill anyone over twenty-five. Despite this, you will eventually find yourself planning a birthday party or a bachelor/bachelorette party and decide going to a club to be the most logical course of action for the affair. Who knows how you got to this place, but you did.

We, Club Robots, are animatronic “friends” here to ensure you have a passable night for any clubbing occasion. We have been programmed to mimic the yuppie form, conspicuous enough to ensure your clubmates have no idea you invited a soulless robot to join your party. Your secret is safe with us.

How it works:

In our online application, input the clubbing occasion, the date, time, and the amount in your party. If you are partying with a group, specify the characteristics of your favorite friend and your least favorite friend. If your favorite friend is also your least favorite friend, please indicate that on the application.

A Club Robot will arrive at your specified pre-gaming location thirty minutes prior to your early friend to review the schedule for the evening.

The schedule will include variations of the following activities:

  • Dance
  • Take a picture
  • Dance
  • Dance
  • Take a picture
  • Drink
  • Leave

When this agenda is shared with your friends, your lame friend is going to need some convincing. Your Club Robot will handle that. Please include your lame friend’s deepest fears on the form.


To ensure your friends do not suspect a robot, we need your help.

  1. When the DJ drops a banger, we are programmed to bob and jump at the appropriate times. But if we reach levitation, please return us to the floor.
  2. Though we, Club Robots, have been engineered to drink alcohol, you will need to take us to the bathroom every thirty minutes to empty our capture pots located in the same area where a human butt would be. If you do not do this, the liquid will trigger our Emergency Extractor, making the liquid reverse flow out of our mouths with the force of an industrial-grade irrigation sprinkler.
  3. Your Club Robot will look hot as hell, but not as hot as you, of course.
  4. If you run into a romantic prospect and want your robot to be the buffer, we can do that, but we cannot control if the person falls for us instead.


We, Club Robots, have all the tools to make sure you survive the club, but we can’t guarantee you will enjoy it.