Discovered: Paul Manafort’s Plea to Santa


December 2, 2018

Dear Mr. Claus, Sir

It is with utmost concern that I must pen this letter to you. For, I am fearful an obscene act by one ex-Trump campaign chair will impose great repercussions upon me, my holiday cheer, and most importantly, my Christmas presents.

With great misfortune, I bear the same name as the man who pleaded guilty to hiding fifteen-million dollars from the IRS and was accused of influencing the US election with Russian conspiracy, along with violating his plea deal and lying about contacts with the Trump administration. I, Paul Manafort, an eleven-year-old from Wisconsin am afraid you might confuse me with the other Paul Manafort when collecting the naughty and nice data this holiday. 

Allow me to elaborate on the differences between myself (nice) and the other guy (naughty). I, Paul Travis Manafort of the Milwaukee Manaforts am the second child of Stewart and Rita Manafort. I am in the fifth grade and recently accepted the esteemed honor of perfect attendance for the first half of the school year. To further prove my good-boy qualities, I volunteered to sing in our church choir when my mom made me, and I have not pointed at my sister’s acne while saying “Hello, old friend” in several weeks.

Unlike Paul John Manafort Jr, I would never hide my money from the IRS as I do not have any unless you count the fifty dollars my grandpop gave me for perfect attendance which I framed alongside my certificate like any self-respecting man. Additionally, Sir, I do not believe I need to prove that I have no involvement with Russia. I have never even been outside of the country, except for our family’s trip to Jamaica last year for my cousin’s wedding and our recent trip to Moscow to spread my grandpop’s ashes.

Here are the final characteristics that distinguish me, Paul Travis Manafort (very good boy), and Paul John Manafort Jr (very bad boy).

1)  I, PTM, dislike Jamaica because of its beaches. Beaches invite sunburn, unnecessary sweat, and a certain level of gravitas that doesn’t match the aforementioned hellish conditions.

 PJM loves beaches. Please see enclosed a picture of him on a beach in Ecuador attempting to negotiate a deal in regards to the Wikileaks founder.

2)  I, PTM, have recently taken up the lost art of baking, specializing in no-bake chocolate chip cookies, no-bake chocolate brownies, and no-bake, flourless macarons.

 PJM probably has a personal chef who does all his cooking and wouldn’t know the difference between a macaron and a macaroon. The imbecile.

3) I, PTM, have no desire to enter into politics as I find the practice to be a shallow, rat race.

PJM likes politics more than anyone as noted by his gelled hair and the blood red of his ties.

Mr. Claus, Sir, I would also like to better understand the data quality of your naughty and nice list. Do you distinguish each boy and girl with their middle initial? Address? Favorite cheese? I have to ask because I have seen you depicted with your list in children’s books with only first and last names on a scroll, which leaves a lot of room for error.

And, for additional research, I visited a bronze statue of you holding your list at the Eastern Milwaukee Mall and found the names to be scribbles. Scribbles, Mr. Clause.

As you can understand, I am ill at ease. There is a lot on the line. I have requested a 15”x 10” Pyrex glass baking dish for Christmas this year. When school resumes after the holidays, I am planning on baking a batch of no-bake chocolate brownies for Kylee Cuminsky in my class. She is the love of my life, and chocolate is your favorite dessert. I know this because I saw her choose chocolate milk over regular milk for lunch three days in a row.

Please, Sir, do not confuse me, the exceptionally nice Paul Travis Manafort with the naughty Paul John Manafort Jr, and, do, modernize your administrative process.

Sincerely,

Paul Travis Manafort

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