Discovered: Paul Manafort’s Plea to Santa


Dear Mr. Claus, Sir

It is with upmost concern that I must pen this letter to you. For, I am fearful an obscene act by one ex-Trump campaign chair will impose great repercussions upon me, my holiday cheer, and most importantly, my Christmas presents.

With great misfortune, I bear the same name at the man who pleaded guilty to hiding $15 million dollars from the IRS and was accused of influencing the US election with Russian conspiracy, along with violating his plea deal and lying about contacts with the Trump administration. I, Paul Manafort, an 11-year-old from Wisconsin am afraid you might confuse me with the other Paul Manafort when collecting the naughty and nice data that populates your list in preparation for this holiday. 

Allow me to elaborate on the differences between myself (nice) and the other guy (naughty). I, Paul T. Manafort of the Milwaukee Manaforts am the second child to Stewart and Rita Manafort. I am in the 5th grade and recently accepted the esteemed honor of perfect attendance for the first half of the school year. To further prove my good-boy qualities, I volunteered to sing in our church choir when my mom made me, and I have not pointed at my sister’s acne whilst saying “Hello, old friend” in several weeks.

Unlike Paul J. Manafort, I would never hide my money from the IRS as I do not have any, unless you count the $50 my grandpop gave me for perfect attendance which I framed alongside my certificate like any self-respecting man. Additionally, Sir, I do not believe I need to prove that I have no involvement with Russia. I have never even been outside of the country, except for our family’s trip to Jamaica last year for my cousin’s wedding and our recent trip to Moscow to spread my grandpop’s ashes.

Here are the final characteristics that distinguish me, Paul Travis Manafort (very good boy), and Paul John Manafort, Jr (very bad boy).

1)  I, PTM, dislike Jamaica because of its beaches. Beaches invite sun-burn, unnecessary sweat, and a certain level of gravitas that doesn’t match the aforementioned hellish conditions.

 PJM loves beaches. Please see enclosed a picture of him on a beach in Ecuador attempting to negotiate a deal in regards to the Wikileaks founder.

2)  I, PTM, have recently taken up the lost art of baking, specializing in no-bake chocolate chip cookies, no-bake chocolate brownies, and no-bake, flour-less macarons.

 PJM probably has a personal chef who does all his cooking and wouldn’t know the difference between a macaron and a macaroon. Imbecile.

3) I, PTM, have no desire to enter into politics as I find the practice to be a shallow, rat race.

PJM likes politics more than anyone, noted by his gelled hair and the blood red of his ties.

My real desire here, Sir, is to better understand the data quality of your naughty and nice list. Do you distinguish each boy and girl with their middle initial? Address? Favorite cheese? I have to ask because I have seen you depicted with your list in children’s books with only first and last names on a scroll. As a part of my research, I went to a statue of you holding your list at the Eastern Milwaukee Mall and found the names to be scribbles. Scribbles, Santa.

As you can understand, I am ill at ease, Sir. There is a lot on the line. I have requested a Pyrex 15”x 10” glass baking dish for Christmas this year. When school resumes after the holidays, I am planning on baking a batch of no-bake chocolate brownies for Kylee Cuminsky in my class. She is the love of my life, and chocolate is your favorite dessert. I know this because I saw her choose chocolate milk over regular milk for lunch nine days in a row.

Please, Sir, do not confuse me, the exceptionally nice P. Travis Manafort with the naughty P. John Manafort Jr, and, do, modernize your administrative process.

Sincerely,

Paul  Travis Manafort

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