New Year’s Resolutions for the Person Who Is Already Fucking Perfect

  • Get fuzzy dice for yacht; old ones too wet
  • Cut out tap water
  • Finally learn to play the harpsichord
  • Re-reread War and Peace
  • Tell ex-lover to stop buying me islands
  • Finesse levitation pose at Yoga Core
  • Return Chrissy Teigen’s DM
  • Stop re-gifting islands
  • Get lip reduction
  • Thank Dad for healthy relationship
  • Cut back on journalling
  • Stop skipping dessert

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