From: HJones@SoftwareUS.com
To: KSmith@gmail.com
Automatic reply to “Software meltdown! Immediate assistance needed!”
Bonjour!
I am out of the office in Paris, France! While you are reading this, I am probably eating a buttered croissant and sipping a cortado on the Champs-Élysées with my NEW husband!
For immediate assistance, please email Louis Hamilton.
Best,
Heather Jones
From: LHamilton@SoftwareUS.com
To: KSmith@gmail.com
Automatic reply to “Can you, please, help me?!”
Hello,
I am traversing the Chilean rainforest for the immediate future with limited access to email. I will respond if I am able to get a signal on a west-facing branch of a tall Kapok tree.
In the meantime, please email Bridget Knight.
Lou Hamilton
From: BKnight@SoftwareUS.com
To: KSmith@gmail.com
Automatic reply to “Is anyone working?? I’m having MAJOR issues.”
To whom it may concern,
I am on maternity leave, returning to the office July 15th.
You might think I could “probably” respond to this email because I’m “probably” sitting in a rocking chair coming up with new lullabies while my new babe sleeps, but you would be wrong. I breed active children, and when I say active, I mean my first child was able to do unassisted sit-ups by two months. My second child could lift my first child over her head at six months old, and my current newborn has already re-engineered her crib into a soap box derby car. In fact, she left in the middle of the night, and we are checking every racing arena in the tri-state area.
If this email is “really important” you can go crying to Josh Anderson.
Bridget Knight
From: JAnderson@SoftwareUS.com
To: KSmith@gmail.com
Automatic reply to “My data is DISAPPEARING. Can you help?!”
I’m not here. Email Jorge.
From: JGonzalez@SoftwareUS.com
To: KSmith@gmail.com
Automatic reply to “Someone OWES me a new computer!”
Hello,
Thank you for your email! Unfortunately, the hospital will not allow me to work from my patient bed as I recover from surgery. Something about how staring at a screen for the next 48 hours is not great for my new AI-powered, face-recognition eyeballs.
Looking forward to talking about this A LOT when I’m back next quarter!
For quick assistance, please email Heather Jones.
Cheers!
Jorge Gonzalez
Use Fewer Words 