Cycle of Hell



Automatic reply: Software meltdown! Immediate assistance needed!


I am out of the office in Paris, France! While you are reading this, I am probably eating a buttered croissant and sipping a cortado on the Champs-Élysées with my NEW husband!

For immediate assistance, please email Louis Hamilton (


Heather Jones



Automatic reply: Can you, please, help me?!


I am traversing the Chilean rainforest for the immediate future with limited access to email. I will respond if I am able to get a signal on a sun-facing branch of a tall Kapok tree.

In the meantime, please email Bridget Knight (

Lou Hamilton



Automatic reply: Is anyone working?? I’m having MAJOR issues

To whom it may concern,

I am on maternity leave, returning to the office July 15th.  I will not be responding on July 15th or July 16th and probably not July 17th.

You might think I could “probably” respond to this email because I’m “probably” sitting in a rocking chair coming up with new lullabies while my little babe sleeps, but you would be wrong. I breed active children, and when I say active, I mean my first child was able to do unassisted sit-ups by four months. My second child could lift my first child over her head at one year old, and my current newborn has already re-engineered her crib into a box car racer. In fact, she left in the middle of the night, and we are checking every county fair in the tri-state area.  

If this email is “really important” you can go crying to Josh Anderson (

Bridget Knight



Re: Automatic reply: My data is DISAPPEARING. Can you help?!

I’m not here. Email Jorge. (  – Josh

From: JGonzalez


Re: Automatic reply: You OWE me a new computer!


Thank you for your email! I have been ill for the past several days, and the hospital will not allow me to work from my patient bed. My doctor says none of the patients are supposed to use large electronic devices because the signals mess with the x-ray machines in the cancer wing. I’ll respond when she’s gone.

For quick assistance, please email Heather Jones (


Jorge Gonzalez

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