The Disappointing Vegetarian

Martha is going to the restaurant opening of a new vegetarian diner. Scott stands outside.

Scott: Ma’am could you take a second to sign a petition fighting for better conditions for the animals in Bravery Park Zoo?

Martha: No, I hate animals.

Scott: You hate animals? Aren’t you vegetarian?

Martha: Yes, I hate animals so much that I don’t want them in my mouth.

 —

Tenisha and Martha are meeting for dinner. The waiter has just taken their orders.

Tenisha: Ooh! You’re getting the Impossible Burger: the closest resemblance to actual meat! It’s trending all over the news! I didn’t know you were vegetarian, Martha.

Martha: I just feel better knowing that each ingredient in my food comes from the ground.

Tenisha: Ah, ok. So, what is in the Impossible Burger?

Martha: I don’t know.

Greg gathers his team for a work announcement.

Greg: Energyx Inc is making strides to be more environmentally friendly. Therefore, the sustainability board and I have decided our office cafeteria will celebrate Meatless Mondays from now on to secure our water resources.

Martha: God damnit!

Greg: Martha, I thought you of all people would be excited about Meatless Mondays.

Martha: Oh, sure! Now all the meatheads are going to clog up the line at the salad bar once a week. Fuck off, Greg!

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