FROM: InsuraCorp Human Resources
TO: All InsuraCorp Employees
The weather is cooling down. Yes, you may toss the Summer Dress Code we taped to the front of your computer screens. However, your HR staff has recently been informed that overstimulation resulting from inappropriate work attire can continue into colder seasons. Therefore, we are instituting, for the first time, the Fall Dress Code.
You may wear: Bulky knit scarves. You may not wear: Sexy silky scarves tied at the sexy small nape of your neck directing impressionable bachelors to your jugular.
You may wear: Polka dot sweaters. You may not wear: Polka dot sweaters upon which two polka dots unintentionally fall at your breasts.
You may wear: Chunky suede boots. You may not wear: Leather boots as they may make minds wonder, e.g. What other leather products does she own? Does she use leather sex toys? Is she a dominatrix? Has she ever seen The Matrix? Why doesn’t Hollywood produce good movies anymore? The best movies in the world came from The Fast and the Furious franchise hands down. No questions asked. My buddy Tim thinks the first Die Hard is the greatest movie of all time, but he’s an uncultured idiot.
You may wear: Tasteful chapstick. You may not wear: Red, brown, or burgundy lipstick that makes your lips look like you just tore apart an antelope in the African savanna.
You may wear: A long dress. You may not wear: A long chiffon dress that sticks to your butt with static electricity when you stand up from your desk.
You may wear: A coat that shields your human form. You may not wear: A trench coat as it could remind others of their prepubescent crushes on Carmen Sandiego.
On Halloween, you may wear: Characters such as a benign pumpkin, a quirky black cat, or an approachable ghost that you might have ironed onto a sweater yourself. You may not wear: Any of those things if any self-respecting person is going to see you.
Your friends in HR