Grunge Band Seeks Quirky Bandmate

After the release of our second EP “My Heart is a Fuck Boi” following “My Penis is Methodist”, our band has been called out by critics for appearing too dark. Upon attending one of our shows, one reviewer wrote, “Be prepared to dance, sing, and dive into a three-month spiral of depression.” To balance our image, we seek a cute, quirky, Silly Billy, adorkable back-up vocalist.

Note: we originally tried to fix this issue by performing with a plush teddy bear at the front of the stage, but Travis decided to burn it during “Fire is My Girlfriend”.

Below are the necessary qualifications for the position:

  • Must be able to sing – scatting preferred
  • Must play Ukulele, Xylophone, or Kazoo
  • Must own lots of polka dots, tall socks, over-sized glasses, and tiny hats
  • Must have at least 5 years experience wearing bangs
  • Must pray to Zoey Deschanel
  • Must watch old episodes of New Girl with us on the tour bus

The below are not requirements related to the position but skills that will put you ahead of other candidates:

  • Knitting – Travis thinks it would be kind of cool if we all wore mittens during “My Blood is as Cold as your Mom’s Personality”
  • Baking – Kyle’s cookies are shit, and we’d like you to take over.
  • Bad dancing – If you are a good dancer this whole quirky thing won’t read.
  • Celestial knowledge – That we will ignore.
  • Magic tricks – Sometimes we can’t stream New Girl from the bus but can be occupied for a couple hours by sleight of hand.
  • Willingness to read our journals to tell us who is the darkest – It’s probably Greg. He drives the bus.

If this describes you, please come to auditions from 12-4pm, next Sunday at Dead Soul Tavern behind Party City.

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