Grunge Band Seeks Quirky Bandmate

After the release of our second EP “My Heart Is a Fuck Boi” following “My Penis Is Methodist,” our band has been called out by critics for being too dark. Upon attending one of our shows, one reviewer wrote, “Be prepared to dance, sing, and dive into a three-month spiral of depression.”

To balance our image, we seek a cute, quirky, silly billy, adorkable backup vocalist.

Side note: we originally tried to fix this issue by performing with a plush teddy bear at the front of the stage, but Travis burned it during “Fire Is My Girlfriend.”

Below are the necessary qualifications for the position:

  • Must be able to sing – scatting preferred
  • Must play Ukulele, Xylophone, or Kazoo
  • Must own lots of polka dots, tall socks, over-sized glasses, and tiny hats
  • Must have at least 5 years of experience wearing bangs
  • Must pray to Zoey Deschanel
  • Must watch old episodes of New Girl with us on the tour bus

The below are not requirements for the position but skills that will put you ahead of other candidates:

  • Knitting – Travis thinks it would be cool if we all wore mittens during “My Blood Is as Cold as Your Mom’s Personality.”
  • Baking – Kyle’s cookies are shit, and we’d like you to take over.
  • Dancing badly – If you are a good dancer this whole quirky thing won’t read.
  • Tracking astrology – We definitely don’t want you to analyze our birth charts but want to know that you could in case we change our minds.
  • Performing magic tricks – Sometimes when we can’t stream New Girl from the bus we can be occupied by sleight of hand.
  • Reading our journals to tell us who is the darkest – It’s probably Steve. He drives the bus.

If this describes you, please come to auditions from 12-4pm, next Sunday at Dead Soul Tavern behind the mall.

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