I just won an Open Bar, and I need you as a friend right now

From the Desk of Gretchen Jones

Dear Monica,

I humbly pen this letter on the 8th day of November to request a grave favor from you. Through unfortunate luck, I have won an open bar for myself and my 12 closest friends to be held on December 24th at O’Brien’s Pub. In what I can only assume was an act of self-sabotage, I put my name in a drawing whilst drunk on $5 pints at a work happy hour. Yet, I am left unsure how I will corral 12 individuals in the pit of Chicago winter on the eve of such a commercialized holiday. Now that reality has come to bite me on the anus, each passing day is another slow begrudging step toward my demise.

Hence, I call upon you, lovely Monica. You may wonder why I beckon you for the favor of your attendance, of all people, given that I recently called you an “ugly bitch” on your birthday – which was also the same day that Paul broke up with you, you had a miscarriage, your father denounced you, your apartment flooded, and your hamster passed away while looking you in the eyes.

Alas, I am at my wits end. Since I have begun my correspondences, five persons have confirmed, three have said they were interested, 139 have said no, and one has said he would try should be finished with his postal delivery in my neighborhood.

December 24th weighs on my soul. ‘Tis the day all color will fade, all taste will be sour, and all smell will turn foul. Please, darling Monica, put me out of my misery. Show yourself, and bring Rachel, Emmy, Kristen, Brooke, and Paul, or literally anyone else.

I will repay with libations, as it is, an open bar.

Your dear friend,

Gretchen Jones


 From the Desk of Gretchen Jones

Dear Monica,

I humbly pen this letter on the 9th day of November with an amendment to the first. Please remove Paul from the list of hopeful attendees as I forgot he broke up with you.

Your dearest friend,

Gretchen Jones

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