Sommelier: This wine was imported from Chile. Please sip. Tell me what you think.
Customer 1: I taste earthy notes. I much prefer the floral finish from the Argentinean wine before.
Customer 2: I’m picking up flavors of coco and bark, a tasteful dance from a rich region. This is my favorite one so far.
Customer 3: I’m sensing a wine. This is not quite as expressive as the simple yet untamed White Claw.
Sommelier: As I told you, we do not have White Claw at Renee’s House of Fine Wines. (To the guests), here is a drier wine, made with gooseberries grown within the hills of eastern England. Do you taste the fruits of their labor?
Customer 1: Ah, I do sense the gooseberries. Is that rosemary as well? What a wonderful surprise!
Customer 2: Phft! If didn’t know any better, I would say this was a mimic of a basic Assyrtiko from Santorini.
Customer 3: If I didn’t know any better, I would say this tasted like someone poured out a White Claw, washed out the can, and replaced it with wine. Like the saying goes, if you are going to screw me, at least buy me a White Claw first.
Sommelier: Dear, we do not have White Claw. If you do not like wine, please do not be here. (To the guests) In the last of our tasting series, we are offering an exclusive pour of a wine native to Brazil. Can you guess the central ingredient?
Customer 1: Hm, it is lovely. Is it guava with a hint of fig?
Customer 2: No, it must be papaya. It’s bitter, but I’m left with a sweet undertone.
Customer 3: It’s mango.
Sommelier: Yes! Yes, it is! Very good! It’s a-
Customer 3: Rip-off of mango White Claw.
Customer 3: No, dear, this place is unbelievable. Tell me. Have you had the pleasure of suckling from the spout of a mango White Claw on your sorority sister’s step-mom’s pontoon? What about riding the sweet wave of a raspberry White Claw at your cousin’s boyfriend’s house party. Have you had the honor of experiencing the medley of a black cherry White Claw while playing corn-hole in the middle of what’s-his-face’s back yard? Was it Issac? Drew-? Doesn’t matter. Screw this. Screw all of you. Baby needs her milk.
Sommelier: Wait. I… I love White Claw.
Customer 3: Sure…
Sommelier: It’s true. Last year, when I was 26, it was my go-to drink for bachelorette parities, weddings, Christmas, New Year’s Eve, New Year’s Day, the day after New Year’s Day, the second day after New Year’s Day…
Customer 3: It’s ok! Go on.
Sommelier: The third day after New Year’s Day, the fourth day after New Year’s Day, the fifth day after New Year’s Day, the sixth day after New Year’s Day, the seventh day after New Year’s Day, the eighth day after New Year’s Day.
Customer 3: Go on.
Sommelier: The ninth day after New Year’s Day, the tenth day after New Year’s Day, the eleventh day after New Year’s Day, the twelfth day after New Year’s Day, the thirteenth day after New Year’s Day, the fourteenth day after New Year’s Day.
Customer 3: Go on.
Sommelier: Then I turned 27. It was time to grow up. “Make something of yourself,” mama said.
Customer 3: But, mama doesn’t understand us!
Sommelier: So, I looked for jobs that would allow me to be myself. Those weren’t available, so I have become an expert in wine.
Customer 3: Run away with me! We can get a case of White Claw, find some guy, take his boat, and sail away!
Sommelier: Honestly? That sounds wonderful! But, eh, just to be clear, are you asking me to elope?
Customer 3: Meet me at CVS.