Let’s face it, you’re a big deal. Yeah, maybe half your Instagram followers are aliens orbiting Earth. Yeah, maybe they like and comment on all your stuff, and you pay them in return with the blood of a sacrificial lamb. Whatever, we get it.

Because of your hyper-engaged martian network, brands might want to start partnering with you to sell their shit. But, if you want the best brands to notice you, it’s not enough to be influential. You must prove that you are authentic.

You might think authenticity means being real, humble, and down to earth, but it is much simpler than that. It’s about being gross. Follow this step-by-step guide to use Instagram to make bank on brand sponsorships while staring self-respect dead in the eyes and saying, “No thanks.”

1. Begin each post to your Instagram feed with “Time to get real,” “Let’s get serious,” “For real though,” or “Time to get really serious though.”
2. Is there any dirt lying around? Smear that on your face.
3. We can’t stress this one enough, describe your poops. Every time you poop and don’t talk about it, it’s a missed opportunity to win authenticity points with your audience.
   • Do you have a baby? Does that baby poop? Poop. Is. Money.
4. Do you need to attend an event with other influencers? Only take pictures with other authentic influencers like yourself, a.k.a. the real ones.
   • Are you white? You’ll want to use the hashtag #OG. Trust us.
5. We recommend posting to your Instagram story often so you can stay top of mind. And in the spirit of being authentic, start your story by hopping off a tracker and wiping the sweat off your brow or coming out of a port-a-potty and wiping the sweat off your brow.
   • Did you poop? Let’s talk about it.
6. Are you trying to be authentic but the brand sponsor is dictating every detail of your post? No worries. While you say the scripted words, make sure your face is bleeding a little or you have pizza grease coming out of your eyes. #Target
7. Is a brand asking you to post about a product or service totally unrelated to you or your audience but you still need the cash? Try this, “Hey guys, just finished pooping. Do you know what’s great after a good poop? Buying an Illinois lotto ticket. Here’s hoping I win enough to buy more prunes! #ILLotto #Pooping”

This post was created by Rite Aid’s Influencer Ambassador Council. #bandaids #coughsyrup #toothpaste #birthdaycards