God Is Calling

Human: I often feel compelled to do a thing. When do I know if God is calling me to do that thing, and when may I give credit to my own desires?

Omniscient Presence: Wait a few days, months, or even years after you do the thing. If it all turned out dope as shit, give credit to God. If it turned out “whatever,” give credit to Satan.

Human: So, when do I get credit?

Omniscient Presence: You don’t.

Human: Of course.

Omniscient Presence: Cool outfit by the way.

Human: Thanks. I picked it… I mean God called me to wear it.

Omniscient Presence: The shoes are a little much.

Human: Oh, must be Satan’s work.

* * *

Satan: I would NE-VER wear those shoes!

Satan and God are sitting in their well-lit loft on rich leather couches, watching the action unfold on a 90-inch TV, à la Queer Eye

God: When the hell did gauchos come back?! I swear on my literal life I have never told someone’s brain to select baggy pants that universally cut your leg at such a rude angle and basically LIVE inside your ass crack.

Both sigh and sip rosé from long-stemmed glasses

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