Friends, Family, The Harrisburg High School class of 2010, we gather here today to celebrate the life and legacy of Ms. Tape.
I was first introduced to Ms. Tape in health class my sophomore year. Mr. Hufstuff displayed a long piece of packing tape to Paul Lampanelli, who was sitting at the front of the class. The fluorescent lights shined through her proud translucent figure.
“Everyone this is Ms. Tape. Notice how pure she is, but watch what happens to her purity after she gets a little too close to Paul,” Mr. Hufstuff said as he pressed Ms. Tape upon Paul’s arm and pulled her back to reveal a cloudy residue. “Not only is Ms. Tape less pure, but, now, she carries around traces of Paul.”
Ms. Tape was passed to Zoey, Craig, Alexander, and Mike, and her once translucent body grew cloudier and cloudier. As I waited to press the dead skin cells of 13 students against my own, I couldn’t help but wonder what the real Ms.Tape was like beyond the forearm floozy she was made out to be.
After contracting my second round of HPV in college, I thought of Ms. Tape again. Was she still being pressed against the skin of pubescent teens? Was she the adhesive on one of Ms. Hufstuff’s posters promoting the totally optional but highly recommended prayer circle after school, or was she sent to a recycling plant and reincarnated into a purity ring?
I decided to reach out to Ms. Tape to let her know I was thinking about her and to wish her well.
This was her response:
Sorry about the HPV. 4 in 5 sexually active people get it. I cannot say I have ever had that specific STI, but I was once applied to the forearm of a kid after he had, I can only assume, been dared to coat his entire body in peanut butter.
To respond to your curiosity, no, I am not currently gracing the finger of a drummer in a Midwestern Christen rock ensemble. I remain a piece of tape, and of that, I am proud.
After your health class, I was placed in a loosely tied garbage bag outside your school. The wind picked me up and blew me into the sky where I was caught by a raven headed to New York City.
New York City. What a beautiful place it is. I was awestruck by the tall buildings, the whimsy of Broadway, and the beauty of Central Park. Heck! I got to see Fred Armisen eating a Turkey sandwich on a bench in Strawberry Fields.
I was even more enamored by Wall Street. Observing the busy people racing against time excited me, Hannah! Through trial and tribulation I managed to get into The New York Stock Exchange during trading hours. Let’s just say my cloudy body made a 1 look like a 7 and stock prices soared through the roof!
I was immediately promoted to VP with my own corner office overlooking Battery Park and The Hudson River. After being involved in a few legal troubles due to my non-human state, I decided to take my pursuits to The NYU School of Law. Upon graduation I was placed on the U.S Plastic Corp vs. New York case and recently won the renowned Mothers Against Dave and Busters vs. Dave and Buster’s case. Now, I am a high-powered lawyer, living in a penthouse in the Upper-East Side. My two purebred dachshunds are my only children, and Chief Eduardo is my only real confidant lately. Sometimes success can be lonely, Hannah, but you just have to continue to remind yourself where you came from.
Treat yourself well. If my experience with law has thought me anything, morality is in the eye of the beholder.
Ms. Tape, Attorney at Law
Ms. Tape and I began to write each other often. As I was her last correspondence before passing away, Ms. Tape’s doorman sent me a letter informing me of her passing and attached the pedigree papers for her two dachshunds. That is way I address all of you today with Rascal and Beowulf at my sides.
Looking around, it is clear that Ms. Tape had an effect on us all. Among the many notable attendees, we have representatives from Mothers Against Dave and Buster’s sitting to my right, Barack and Michelle Obama sitting in the front row, and the entire Utah Jazz basketball team in the balcony.
Thank you all for coming. I know this would have meant a lot to my dear friend and mentor, Ms. Tape.